I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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