everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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