I wanna bring you to show and tell
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
