you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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