you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Randomize
