I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Randomize
