I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
