I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Randomize
