i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
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