Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
