remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
last night I used snow as a chaser
Randomize
