dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
