I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
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