I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
