They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
sarcasm needs its own font
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
