I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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