Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
