Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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