I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
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my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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