Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
