Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
