I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
So many bounce houses so little time
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Randomize
