saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
porn star boner night. come get it.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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