Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
