I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
