I love black thongs
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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