The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
