Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Randomize
