I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Randomize
