You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
