Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
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He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
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Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
I have post one night stand depression
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