The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Randomize
