I think I just saw someone hide a body.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
