I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
