In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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