I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
