So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
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My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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