Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
