U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
