Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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