His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
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