Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
