Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
