why didn't you poke me back
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
