Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
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