I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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