Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed đ
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled âfive times and I still havenât gotten offâ when he was still inside me ..
Said âdonât worry Iâll get myself off tomorrowâ to top it all off
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
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