sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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