call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Randomize
