When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
