my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize