She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
