There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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