The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
is that a dick in a sweater?
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Randomize
