My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
The uberlube is also flammable
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Randomize
