I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
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I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
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There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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