I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
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